21 Signs You’re Not Living Your True Purpose
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“What’s wrong with me?!”
Sarah said, confusion in her eyes.
“I have everything I need. Why am I not happy? What else do I want? Am I not grateful enough? Maybe I need to get better at feeling content?”
A young, high-performing manager at a global firm, Sarah seemed to have everything: a high salary, a respected position, a loving husband.
However, she couldn’t help feeling like she didn’t belong and that she wanted to quit.
This was also not the first time she had felt this way.
. I remember those mornings where the only color I could see was grey.
Excelled in both competence and work ethics, Sarah had a little problem landing a good job.
Her problem was that she had jumped 3 times from one highly respected position to another.
Things always looked good at first until the same thing happened: a nagging discontent grew inside her until she couldn’t ignore it and jumped ship.
Sensing that it was about to happen again, Sarah reached out to me for help.
“So what’s missing?” I asked
Sarah took a long pause and answered:
“My work helps me to be financially secure, but I’m not feeling the fire… You know… I feel stuck.
I understand how my company’s work can be meaningful to many people, but it’s not something meaningful for me.
I tried to look at the bright side, I tried to be grateful. I wish I could just be happy. But I’m not able to.”
In Sarah’s mind, she had gone crazy. But I knew from our first conversation that there was nothing wrong with her.
Sarah wasn’t crazy or spoiled. And the answer to her dissatisfaction wasn’t joining a 7-day gratitude meditation challenge.
Sarah’s experiences were the natural results of being out of alignment with her true purpose. And Sarah is definitely not alone.
“I’m here to make my mother happy,” had been my default purpose. I lived into this purpose and became an overachiever.
Frog in a slow-boil pot
First of all, let’s define “purpose”.
It can feel like a huge and elusive concept but, to put simply, your purpose is the answer to the question: “Why am I here?”
From Sigmund Freud forward, psychologists have generally agreed: our core outlook on life is largely locked around the age of five. Because of this and the fact that our mind is a meaning-making machine, we form the answer to the question “Why am I here?” early on.
If you are a sensitive kid who grew up in an emotionally turbulent family, with overprotective parents and without a caretaker whom you feel safe to confide in - your mind can create answers that are incomplete or downright destructive.
The answers become your default purpose.
“I’m here to make my mother happy,” was my default purpose for over 20 years.
I lived into this purpose and became an overachiever in the high-pressure business development world, even though a sensitive soul like me has no place in it.
Meanwhile, I subconsciously ran away from or sabotaged my effort to live my true purpose and create the life I deeply wanted: pursuing creative work, using my writing, and teaching to help others.
In the undertow of my life, a muted existential angst slowly grew into depression. I remember those mornings where the only color I could see was grey. I was terrified of going outside and couldn’t get out of bed to take a shower.
When I dropped the default purpose to reclaim my true purpose, the fog lifted. Life had colors again. And I could take real steps to create the work and life I had always wanted.
But I know I’m more fortunate than most.
I’ve met many clients who’re knee-deep in a recurring existential crisis, feeling isolated, anxious, depressed, and confused. A few cases had resulted in compulsive behaviors such as compulsive shopping, fear of going out, bipolar disorder, and eating disorders.
Though getting emotional and clinical support such as therapy can be tremendously helpful, even life-saving, I believe we won’t fully thrive if we don’t touch the core: to fulfill our innate yearning for true meaning.
Unlike cutting your finger and go running for a Band-Aid, living a default purpose is sitting in a slow boil pot.
Jumping out early
A default purpose is dangerous because we mostly live it unconsciously.
Unlike cutting your finger where you can yell: “Oh no! My finger is bleeding!” and go running for a Band-Aid, living a default purpose is sitting in a slow boil pot.
For a while you feel cozy and warm, perhaps slightly uncomfortable - but not to the level that a trip to the mall, a beach escape, half a pint of ice cream, and a dose of self-denial can’t fix.
The next thing you know… you're fully cooked.
I’ve created this helpful list of 21 signs you’re living a default purpose.
Instead of being in self-denial, you can self-diagnose. You can jump out early, avoid years of pain from living by default.
Which signs do you have? Even if you don’t like to admit it, be honest. This is your first step to fulfilling work and meaningful life.
21 signs you’re living a default purpose
Which statements do you respond with often or sometimes?
Your life looks good on the outside but doesn't feel good on the inside. People think your life is perfect but you feel unfulfilled.
You have that nagging feeling that "something is missing" in your life.
You're feeling like you're putting your life on hold, and living someone else's life instead.
You're feeling like you're always struggling and trying too hard. You don't feel in flow with life.
After you got what you thought you wanted, you're wondering: "Why am I still not happy?" The initial high is soon replaced with the pressure to keep it up and the nagging fear of being "found out".
You're constantly looking for approval from those around you. Or you're shutting down and building a wall from others.
You feel like you're running away from yourself. You have a busy schedule, constantly working or entertaining as a means to distract yourself.
Feel like you're hiding a part of who you are.
You talk yourself out of following your dreams or ideas because you haven't learned to trust your intuition.
You feel stuck in a seemingly meaningless and unfulfilling job.
Your work is energy-sucking. You wake up in the morning dreading to go to work.
You don't feel that you matter to the world.
You're playing small. You doubt your ability and whether you have anything to give.
Like a bird in a cage unable to fly, you're feeling frustrated because you're not meeting your potential.
You're feeling like you are selling your soul for a paycheck. Your income and your impact are not in alignment.
You're holding back your true self, your voice, your opinion because you're afraid of what others might think of you.
You don't believe others need your gifts and talents, or you don't recognize your gifts and talents at all.
You're saying no to opportunities that are presented to you because you're afraid of leaving the comfort zone.
You find ways to "escape" (travel, getaways, holidays, retreats...) But when you "get back", the frustrations, dissatisfaction, and stress quickly pile up.
You sense that where you are isn't suitable for you. But being self-sufficient and resourceful, you find ways to cope. Coping strategies include shopping, eating, video gaming, Facebook surfing, traveling, yoga, exercise, meditations... But no matter what, you feel like you're barely surviving, not thriving.
You jump from one job to the other. But the same discontent always arises.
When I dropped the default purpose to reclaim my true purpose, the fog lifted. Life had colours again.
Count the statements you see in yourself often or sometimes. Below are my recommendations.
0-2 statements
You are quite aligned with your purpose. Well done! Use your intuition to make small but important tweaks in life and work. So you can use your talents, pursue your passions, stay true to your values, and follow your calling even more. You’ve got this!
3-10 statements
You’ve begun to experience the existential angst and discontent resulting from not being aligned with your purpose. Maybe you’re using different ways to cope but know that you will experience real shifts only through sincere soul-searching. These signs are your soul calling you to find your purpose. Do not ignore the call because it will only get louder. The sooner you begin your search, the sooner you get to live your purpose and grow into your full potentials.
11-21 statements
It seems that you are experiencing many challenging emotions. While the sense of lost and stuck can be overwhelming at times, keep hope. You are meant for so much more. While change might be scary, it is possible with the right support and community. Know that you are not alone in this. Take these signs as your soul urging you to embrace your true purpose. The call is loud and clear. Begin your search now!
Finding purpose: start here
Now that you’ve gained self-awareness, don’t stop here.
I’ve created a gorgeous 15-page Purpose Finder Workbook to help you start clarifying your true purpose.
In there you’ll find a set of 12 powerful coaching questions and the Purpose Statement tool. I’ve used this to guide clients like Sarah.
Now I’m happy to report that Sarah has long left her comfort-zone and gone into what I call the Magic Zone.
I hope one day she and I will meet you there, where you dare to live your true purpose, taste real joy, and give the world what it needs most: you coming alive.
“What the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman
Remember: you’re a beautiful miracle, and no matter the darkness, you can truly shine your light.
With all my love,