3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Recover Your Peace of Mind
Mom and I were sitting naked on tiny plastic chairs in our bathroom. Next to us was a large washbasin with warm water filled to the brim. I was 6 years old and it was bath time.
Mom used a big plastic cup to pour water over my body. I felt the warm water running down my shoulders, back, and chest. We were both humming.
Suddenly mom asked:
“So what grade did you get at school today?”
I said: “Seven, mom.”
She paused for a moment and said:
“Um… Linh from the neighbor got an 8. Maybe I’ll trade you for her?”
I don’t remember what mom and I said after that. But I remember feeling confused. Part of me knew it was a joke, and yet it felt very real.
At that moment, something was planted in my chest. At first, it was the size of a grain of rice. Then it grew to the size of a ping pong ball. Then an orange. Day by day, it grew to what felt like the size of a black hole.
That something is the thought: “I am not enough.”
In my coaching practice, I rarely meet a client whose parents didn’t compare themselves with other kids.
Being compared, either favorably or negatively, takes away our inherent self-worth and fuses it with something outside of us. Creating the damaging narrative: “I’m only worthy when...”
But that’s not all.
We internalize comparison. Even when our parents are no longer around to do it for us, we can’t stop comparing ourselves to others. And we beat ourselves black and blue when we don’t seem to measure up.
Below the surface of our conscious mind, we tell ourselves a story:
“Someone better will take all the love away.”
It is 6:30 PM. I am sitting in the living room, on our navy blue rocking chair. Outside the window, the sky is orange as the sun begins to set on the horizon.
In my arms, my 6-month-old baby girl is sound asleep after a nursing session. With my right arm, I cradle her head. With my left hand, I’m scrolling Facebook.
A rainbow button appears. New Facebook Story! I click on it and see shining updates from a coach I know: new clients, new program, her in her best dress smiling vibrantly under the sun…
Meanwhile, I’m here in my day-4 pajamas with my right boob exposed.
That’s when all hell breaks loose.
Envy creeps up on me like a snake. It squeezes my heart and empties my breath.
I put my phone screen-down on the chair. I know instantly that I’m experiencing envy. And it makes me feel like a horrible person.
Like, what’s wrong with me? I’m a coach, for God’s sake!
If I’m a decent human being, I’m supposed to feel happy for others’ success, right? I should send them blessings and do a happy dance.
But I don’t.
Maybe I’m just a small, envious, f*cked-up woman who has bad taste in pajamas.
Or maybe, just maybe…
It’s social media that really f*cks me up.
Social media can really f*ck us up. It does so in 3 steps:
It exposes us to the curated life of someone else. We compare our messy inside to their perfect outside, get triggered by the “Someone better will take all the love away” story we internalized from childhood, and feel like a complete loser.
It gives us the chance to create a curated life on the web. So we can get “likes” to compensate for our lack of self-worth. Meanwhile, our perfect photos trigger somebody else and make them feel like complete losers.
Repeat step 1.
What a downward spiral to hell. If we’re not careful, we can get stuck in it for a long, long time.
What is the way out?
Should we build a sack in the woods, become a hermit and abandon modern society?
I thought of that before. But I hate mosquitoes, I’m highly susceptible to Dengue fever (I caught it twice in my life), and I love my occasional trips to Starbucks for a cup of decaf cappuccino.
So my solution has been, first and foremost, to be very forgiving to myself when I experience envy.
It helps to see moments in my childhood when I was compared with others. This helps me have compassion for my inner child.
Experiencing envy doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person. Envy is just a crying child knocking on your door. She’s afraid of losing love. You can let her in, hold space for her, and assure her that she’s loved no matter what.
My second solution is simple: block or mute updates from people who trigger envy in me. (aka virtually break up with them.)
‘I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me...’
Actually, don’t be sorry.
Your social media is your virtual real estate. You have the right to remove anyone whose presence messes with your peace, whether or not they do that intentionally.
It’s not about them. It’s about you, your needs, your well-being.
My third, and perhaps most important solution, is to constantly bring myself back to what matters:
My definition of success, what I choose to do in this season of my life, and my purpose.
Our hyper-connected world constantly tries to take us outside of ourselves. We need to be firmly rooted in our core more than ever before.
When I hold the question “What does success look like?” in my heart. The image of me rocking my infant child fills me with contentment - the opposite of envy.
I can launch a new program and accept more clients now. And a part of me wants to do that. But in this season of my life as a new mother, I choose not to.
The fact that you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to do it now.
It takes maturity to say “not now”, especially to what you want and can do. But we need to do this more often, not out of a lack of ambition, but out of kindness to ourselves.
We need to learn to light up others without burning ourselves.
And purpose. Part of my purpose is to create meaningful content that touches the heart. And I’m doing that right now at this moment, writing to you.
Now I invite you to explore these questions:
What does success look like?
What do you choose to do, and not do, in this season of your life?
These are questions worth pondering.
Hold them in your heart, journal about them.
When you feel lost in this noisy world, they can bring you home to yourself.
And remember: regardless of your grade or your taste in pajamas, you are worthy, no matter what.
P.S: Find Your Inner Compass
When you have a purpose as an inner compass, you can be led from within instead of getting distracted by others. This is when you do work that truly matters.
If you feel fuzzy about your purpose, I’ve created a beautiful workbook to help you get clarity. Download below, it’s free!