9 Things to Let Go to Build Your Life's Work
For as long as I could remember, I had found it hard to belong. Ever since kindergarten, I was already that timid awkward kid who played by herself.
But the place where I've struggled most to find belonging is work.
A job pays the bills. Your life's work feels deeply meaningful to you.
I couldn't stay in a job for the same reasons many people stay in their jobs: the pay, the benefits, the respect. Something in me just wouldn't let me.
Over and over, I couldn't help but feeling like I was dying inside.
Eventually, I realized my soul wouldn’t allow me to settle for just a job. I wanted to find the work I truly belong to - to claim "my place in the family of things."
I call this your life's work.
There is a big difference between a job and a life's work. A job pays the bills. A life's work - though it can also pay the bills - feels deeply meaningful to you.
Your life's work is the expression of your purpose. And because your purpose is unique, your life's work is also unique.
When I was 24, I became an entrepreneur - not because I wanted to become an "entrepreneur" but because starting something of my own was the only way to build my life's work. I felt that way then. I still feel that way now.
Back then, I knew I had to acquire new skills and knowledge for my entrepreneurial toolbox. What I didn't know was that I also had much to let go of.
Your life's work is the expression of your purpose.
The ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said:
"In the pursuit of knowledge
Every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao,
Every day something is dropped."
After many failures and successes, and after coaching others to build their life's work, I've learned that letting go is equally important, if not more important, than adding in.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up or vegetating.
Letting go is to release what no longer serves you, so you are free to walk your path. Like a hot air balloon, you can't take flight until you drop the sandbags.
You can’t take flight until you drop the sandbags.
Let go of these 9 things. You'll be much freer to pursue the work of your soul's calling:
Let go of others' definition of success
I once asked a client to visualize a day when they're free from the constant pressure to achieve. To my client's surprise, the first thing that came to mind was to wake up without caring about their mother's impatient question:
"How much money are you making in your business?"
Others' definitions of success leave an imprint on us, especially if they are the ones who raised us up. We may find ourselves chasing after that, whether consciously or subconsciously.
If success for your mother is to have a big house, you may find yourself hustling for a three-bedroom apartment even though your heart yearns to write and travel the world.
What does success look like to you? Close your eyes and imagine. Choose the vision where your body feels light and free, your heart feels open.
Your definition of success can look very different from everyone around you. And you must defend it.
When I ask myself, what does success look like? And listen to my heart, the answer is always simple:
"To do work that feels meaningful. To keep my heart open to love and be loved. Learn and discover new things every day. To be present with life and notice its beauty. To create beautiful things every day and share that with others."
This definition of success grounds me and puts me at ease. It feels deeply personal.
This vision is something within me, waiting to be expressed, not something out there to chase after. (I believe this is how a true definition of success should feel like.)
What is yours?
2. Let go of the compulsive need to achieve
(the everything must happen now syndrome)
I've sat across many entrepreneurs who admit that the one thing they most need is patience.
Haunted by the feeling of being not enough and the fear of being found out, they've pushed themselves to the verge of burning out.
But building your life's work is not a race, not even against yourself.
Building your life's work is gardening. You put a seed in the ground, and you wait.
Yes, you can tend the soil, water it daily, remove pests from its leaves, give it enough sun. Each day, you can do your best to care for its environment. But you cannot force it to bear fruit before it's ready.
You need to trust its timing and learn to enjoy the process. Take one step at a time and celebrate the small successes: today, a tiny root peeks out of the seed; today, the first real leaf.
Patience is one of the most underrated qualities of an entrepreneur, especially in our world today.
But everything meaningful takes time.
You need to find your wolf pack,..
3. Let go of anxiety over what you can't control.
Here are the things you can't control:
What others think about you
What others think about your product/service/book/blog article etc.
How the market react to your offer
But Milena, I can control how the customers respond by making my product really good!
Yes and no. You can do your market research, focus group, customer interview, design thinking all you want. (And you should.)
What you can do here is to give your offer its best chance of success. Still, when it's out in the world, you can't control how people react to it.
You need to embrace the outcome and base on what you get to make improvements as you go.
It's a dance.
4. Let go of the Lone Wolf myth.
Good ideas don't happen in a vacuum. If you lock yourself in a secret chamber to work on your great idea for 2 years, what you'll likely get once you emerge is cricket. That, or you probably have quit.
Building your life's work is an engaged process. You need to find your wolf pack.
They're people who're also building their life's work. Seek ways to learn from, partner with, collaborate. Lean on them in difficult times.
When I reached 95% of completing my first book, I felt an overwhelming urge to quit. It was too big a leap for me to take alone.
Desperate, I signed up for an online program for first-time authors. And thank God I did! The sharing from the program's leader, the Facebook group discussions, and the weekly community calls were what kept me going until the end.
No one will be at the finish line saying: "Congratulations! You did it all by yourself!"
5. Let go of the pride of doing everything on your own
No one will be at the finish line saying:
"Congratulations! You did it all by yourself!"
I've always been a resourceful and self-sufficient person. The other side of the coin is I didn't know how to get help. I call this "the curse of self-sufficiency." And many entrepreneurs have this curse.
I remember a few days before the publication of my first book. I was buried under a mountain of tasks. My friend Hanne asked:
"How can I help you?"
I said:
"I don't know."
I genuinely could not think of one single thing.
Eventually, Hanne asked me to show my to-do list and picked one herself. I was that bad at getting help.
I was a coach, and yet I didn't have a coach myself.
I was nervous as hell the first time I hired a professional coach, a business mentor, an executive assistant, a department lead... Then I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner.
"If you want to go far, go together" may sound like a cliche, but it's a timeless truth.
I've learned to ask one of the most important questions, but also one of the most overlooked:
"Who do I want on my success team?"
Who do you want on yours?
6. Let go of the expert mind
(the “I know this already” syndrome)
Whenever you catch yourself saying, "I know this stuff already!" Shake it off and ask:
"How can I see this in a new perspective? How can I apply this in my work on a deeper level?"
I completed a BA major with flying grades in Marketing & Entrepreneurship without trying. I worked intensively in Business Development and was a record-breaking salesperson. When I started my first business, I thought I wouldn't have problems with the business side of things. I was dead wrong.
Entrepreneurship is an entirely different ball game. And being a star performer in your previous work doesn't guarantee your success.
You need to be humble, stand on the ground with your bare feet and hands, and admit:
"I don't know anything. Teach me."
Zen Buddhism calls this state "Beginner's Mind" where possibilities are endless.
Don't worry about having no experience. You don't know how things work also means you don't know how things are supposed to work. You can innovate, ask questions nobody is asking, see things the "experts" can't see.
Don't get overwhelmed with things you think you have to learn. Enjoy the state of being a beginner. Curiosity, wonder, excitement, and the love for learning are your best allies. Look at how a baby explores her playground. Have fun!
Clarity comes from actions..
7. Let go of the need for "total clarity" before taking action
(The “I need to have everything figured out” syndrome)
When I was small, I loved playing Civilization.
You start with a small patch of land. You can see what's inside that land. The rest is covered in the dark. But if you take your little human avatar to the edge of the land, the darkness dissolves to reveal more of what you can see.
I remember a coaching session where, as usual, the client said:
"But I don't know what I want!"
However (again, as usual), after a few coaching questions, she vividly described the life she wanted, which includes becoming a coach to help others with their emotional well-being.
"So you know what you want." I pointed out.
"Yes there are things I know. But also many things I don't know. Like I don't know if I really want to coach." She said.
Here's the problem: she focused on what she didn't know instead of what she knew.
She's at the pivotal point where the only way to know more is to take action.
What she needs to do - and this is what you need to do as well if you're in her shoes - is to commit to something called a "Tiny Passion Project": a small course of action that's aligned with what you know.
If what you want is to perhaps explore coaching, don't quit your job tomorrow for it (yet). Read a book on coaching, take a coach training crash course over the weekend, and (this one is important) offer to do it for free.
You don't have to pretend to be an expert. Just tell people that you're exploring coaching and would like to offer free coaching sessions to gain experiences.
Clarity comes from actions, it comes from being engaged in the world, not from thinking alone in a corner.
Take small steps to the edge of what you know. More will be shown to you.
"Perfection is just fear in high heels.”
8. Let go of perfectionism.
"Perfection is just fear in high heels and a mink coat, pretending to be fancy. But it's just terror."
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Beneath perfectionism's fancy little dress is fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of criticism - you name it.
If you wait for your coaching skills to be perfect before stepping out to coach others, you will wait your whole life. Similar goes for your website, your program, your product, your marketing campaign.
I know this blog article is not perfect. And I will never be able to make it perfect. All I can do is to write as best I can at this moment. Edit it as well as I know how to. And then hit publish.
A few days from now, I may find an error or two in it. And it's okay too.
Don't think of perfection.
Think progress.
Think done.
Think shitty first draft.
Allow your imperfect self, imperfect coaching skills, imperfect blog article to go out the door, and meet the world.
Now notice how the world responds to it. Is it positive? Is it constructive? Only through real responses you will know where and how to improve.
You are not dancing solo. It's a duet. Learn to dance.
Building your life's work takes a lifetime. Don't burden the journey with unnecessary seriousness.
9. Let go of taking yourself too seriously
Last August, I ran an online masterclass. The participants were on-time and engaged. I was fired up to share about finding your purposeful work.
About half an hour in, I felt my nose running. There was no tissue around, and I was immersed with my talk, so I naturally wiped my nose with my hand. That went on for a while.
Eventually, I looked down at my hand and saw red. My nose was not running. It was bleeding!
Now before you get worried about my health. I was 6-month pregnant, and nosebleed is a normal pregnancy thing.
I told my participants the same thing and continued with my talk, wiping my nose as I went. The nosebleed stopped shortly after.
The masterclass was a success. The same night when I looked back, I just felt the whole thing super funny. Sure I might look ridiculous for 20 minutes with a stream of red liquid flowing out of my right nostril but so what?
Building your life's work takes a lifetime. Don't burden the journey with unnecessary seriousness. If it isn't fun, what's the point?
Bring humor and lightheartedness into everything you do. If you screw up, admit your mistake, learn your lesson (next time I'll have my tissue ready), laugh at yourself, and move on.
There you have it, 9 things you can let go of to build your life's work. Which one resonates with you the most? What can you do to start letting it go? Comment below!
Remember the hot air balloon and the sandbag. The sky is waiting for you.
With all my love,
P.S: BUILDING YOUR LIFE’S WORK STARTS NOW!
It takes a leap of faith to build your meaningful life’s work. You know your purpose, but you’re not exactly sure how to start.
Which is why I’ve created a beautiful yet insightful Purpose Finder Workbook in order for you to reclaim the magic you’ve always had!
Download below!
SHARING = LOVING
Hello,
MY NAME IS MILENA.
Life purpose coach, personal brand & business strategist, writer, yogi - and most importantly: an unstoppable LightFinder dedicated to helping you shine.
“Milena has an arsenal of techniques which she deploys to help you overcome the challenges you're addressing each session, and guides you to listen to your soul to discover the truth yourself.”
- Arnina Moore
“I couldn’t imagine that just after 2 months, I’ve uncovered my true purpose. My life feels meaningful. And just picturing myself helping the world by doing what I love makes me want to cry.”
- Katherine Nguyen
“Milena helped me to increase my confidence and to break limiting beliefs on my path of transitioning from a safe job towards founding my own business… Within 3 months I have created a thought through business plan, tested product packages and the first steps taken to initiate my business.”
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“Milena guided me through a powerful ride in which I was brave to embrace my negative emotions, to work on my weaknesses, and to fully understand my gifts to the world. I am working to set-up my own business, ready to utilize my talents to help others." - My Nguyen
The biggest thing I learned after 7 years of blogging.