A Fear-Embracing Technique to Live True to Who You Are
Last December, I was invited to speak on a television talk show about Awakening your Inner Power.
I had been interviewed on television before but this time, it was different.
The topic sounds big and heavy, more suitable for a Tibetan monk in an orange rope than a 29-year-old me, who unfortunately looks like 19.
In an effort of... wise-dening - is that a word?- my appearance, I put on an orange dress. I even thought of shaving my head but afraid it might upset the producer.
To make matters worse, the television host was my childhood idol. So I was just praying that I wouldn’t get so creepy that she’d call the police.
Thank goodness, none of that actually happened.
The host instantly put me at ease and made me feel that we were just two women having an interesting chat.
As the conversation flowed, she helped me get to the heart of what I wanted to say:
Your inner power is awakened when you live true to who you are.
Life is a journey. On that journey, you need to take the road where your inner compass points.
Even if that means taking the road less traveled. Even if that means going against the pressure, the stereotypes, the expectations.
On the journey of life, follow your inner compass, even if that means taking the road less traveled
With a graceful smile, she asked:
"It's a difficult journey, isn't it? To live true to who we are."
I had to pause for a moment to channel my inner monk.
I said:
“I don't know if it's 'difficult' or not. But I do know that it needs courage. It's a scary thing: to be who you truly are and to follow your inner compass.
We all have fears: fear of judgment, of rejection, of disappointment, of failures, of success, of being found out...
And it's not a bad thing to be afraid. It just means you're human.
When my coaching clients tell me they have fear, I never say: "Don't be afraid." I tell them: "It's okay."
After a while, they begin to come to the coaching sessions, saying: "Last week, I did this thing that was very important to me. I saw fears coming up. But they didn't bother me. I did it afraid."
That, right there, is courage.”
(Okay, maybe the orange outfit did work after all.)
Me (left), channeling my inner monk.
I don’t think fear is something we have to overcome, fear is something we can learn to embrace.
Fighting with fear will only bring more fears.
When we’re afraid of fear, we have Fear x Fear = ? I’m not great at math but I think that’s a whole lot of fear.
Moreover, fears are not so bad, and they deserve your compassion too.
They are like protective parents who are convinced that the judgment, rejection, disappointment - basically all the interesting bonuses of a life truly lived - will surely kill you.
They nag you with their worries, or scream at your face: "You won't survive it! It'll be too much!"
And like with protective parents, you can give them a hug, kiss them on their cheeks, and tell them.
"Thank you for showing up for me. I'm going to do it anyway because that's my choice. If you won't give me your blessings, it's okay too. I will still love you anyway because loving you is also my choice."
This, I believe, is one of the highest expressions of self-love.
Fear is not something we overcome, fear is something we embrace.
Now I want us to try something.
This is a tool I use to help my coaching clients all the time. I think it'll help you too.
Step 1: Name the fear
Create a list of what you're afraid of. Not the: "I'm afraid of spiders." kind of fear. Give me the deeper ones.
Here used to be mine (I lied. Some still are.): "I'm afraid of telling my parents that I want to quit my job." "I'm afraid of starting my own blog." "I'm afraid of opening my heart to a new relationship."
Step 2: Write down your fear story
Choose something that you feel moderately afraid of. Not the fears that make your organs want to run away. Better to start small.
Accept your fear. Sit with it. Feel into it. Do your best to let go of judgments. Stay open, stay curious. Listen to what it says. Write down what you hear:
"If you start a new relationship, you will get hurt again. Who do you think you are? Nobody wants you. And even if you find someone, sooner or later, they will discover that you're not good enough. Then they will leave you. You will suffer. Your heart will break. You will cry. You will exhaust yourself working too much to numb your pain. You'll be depressed. You won't survive that. It'll be the end of you." Blah blah blah...
Step 3: Question the story
After you finish writing, breath. Take a slow walk or drink a glass of water. When you're back, look at that piece of paper again.
See if you can realise that what's in front of you is simply a story that your protective fear parents tell you. There's probably no way for you to scientifically prove that it's an absolute truth.
Even "Water boils at 100°C" is only true on Earth. Fresh water begins to boil on Mars at 10 °C.
Fear is just a story we tell ourselves.
Step 4: Be kind to your fear
Say to your fear - with as much kindness and sincerity as you can.
"Thank you for showing up for me. I'm going to do it anyway because that's my choice. If you won't give me your blessings, it's okay too. I will still love you anyway because loving you is also my choice."
Feel the love you are giving to your fears. As you do this, you're giving that love to yourself.
Step 5: Do it afraid
Do it afraid. Pick up the pen. Get out the door. Call that person. Living one truth at a time, taking one tiny step on the grand journey of living your true life.
Oh, and finally
Don’t take yourself so seriously. Wear orange to bring out your inner monk. (Or shave your head, if you need. 😉)
Always, always, remember to have fun.
Now I want to hear from you!
Complete sentence below:
I'm afraid of …………. This is my fear story: ………….
Here's the one tiny step I can take to Do It Afraid: ……………..
Leave a reply with your answer.
Or share it in the Shine Your Light Sisterhood Facebook group. Inspire others and get support on your journey.
With so much love,
Milena xo
SHARING = LOVING
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