How (and Why) to Be Cheerleader to Other Women

Two months ago, I was interviewed on a podcast.

I had a great time sharing about my background, my stories and even fun behind-the-scenes of my work (like having an epic toothache right before my book signing event!)

As the conversation flew, we spoke about why we often feel inadequate, how we bring themselves down when seeing others’ success, and why we need to be each other’s cheerleaders.

When you try to be better than others, you forget to be what you’re best at: yourself.

the trap of comparison

I remember one time when I was in first grade, my mother told me (jokingly, of course, but it still left a wound in my tender 6-year-old heart):

“The neighbor’s daughter has better grades than you. Maybe I should trade you for her instead.”

At that moment, my mind formed a limiting belief: If others are better than me, there will be less love for me.

In a desperate effort to get love, I subconsciously followed that belief for more than 20 years, trying to be an overachiever, all the time keeping vigilant watch at others’ achievement.

I was successful on the outside, but on the inside, I was a wreck. Worse, I was deeply lonely. (It’s hard to make friends when you’re so scared of their success!)

I bet you know how this feels. We all have moments when we feel inadequate.

Looking at others who seemed to have achieved far beyond our reach - a loving family, a successful business, a loyal following, an appearance on TV - we may develop an internal dialogue that goes like this:

“Why can’t I be like that?”

“I can’t even find my own passion; I’m not great at anything. I’m stuck!”

“She has all the success, fame, money. There is now less for me.“

The more we think these thoughts, the smaller we feel.

This thought pattern might have been developed since your childhood, if your parents, like mine, often compared you with others.

What I learned, the hard way was that when you try to be better than others, you forget to be what you’re best at: yourself.

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid,” said Albert Einstein, the world's most loved genius.

Each of us was born with a unique genius. Some are lucky enough to identify it right away. Many take a bit longer to discover.

To discover your unique genius, you can ask yourself this question:

“What is the thing I can with not much effort and yet achieve great results?”

Effortlessness is one of the most accurate signals of your genius.

Using your unique genius as a force for good is how you make your greatest contribution to the world.

You might be good at music or excellent with creating connections and working with different types of people.

My unique genius is a combination of my sensitivity and my ability to connect the dots, which allow me to think strategically, express myself through words, and creating beautiful and transformational experiences for others.

When you own your unique genius, it’s easier to celebrate the unique genius of others. You might be a fish while she is a bird. You’re meant to roam the deep ocean while she is destined to fly.

We’re all different. And we’re all beautiful. That’s why we need each other.

Jealousy is an accurate signpost to your desire.

decoding jealousy

Jealousy isn’t as bad of an emotion that it seems to be. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

In my coaching experience, it is often an accurate signpost to your deep desire.

I used to have a hard time feeling jealous of another female entrepreneur. She was beautiful, young, successful, and famous. Her organisation has touched hundreds of thousands lives.

The more I checked her Facebook status, Instagram updates, Youtube videos, websites…, the more insecure I felt.

Until I took a deep breath and ask myself one question:

“What does she have that I deeply desire?”

The answer came instantly:

“She is putting herself out there in a big way to serve the world”

When I got clear about my heart’s desire, I could begin to work on it. As I take actions to put myself out there in a big way to serve the world too, my jealousy towards her slowly dissipates without me pushing it away.

Now I feel inspired when I think of her achievement.

So if you’re feeling envious towards some one, ask yourself the same question. Uncover your desire and do the work it takes to fulfil it.

Beneath our fear and insecurity, we are wired to love.

we are wired to cheer for each other

I remember one particular afternoon when I was lying on my couch watching tutorial videos on Youtube.

I was enjoying myself immensely until I came across a video of that female entrepreneur whom I’d been envied with.

This was before I decoded my jealousy towards her and started working on what I desire. So I immediately felt envy rising up in my chest like hot air. My shoulders came up to my ears and I felt my entire body tightened.

As I noticed the presence of jealousy, I also noticed in my heart, I genuinely want to be happy for her success.

So in a moment of insanity (or genius), I sat up straight on my couch and started to literally cheer for her out loud:

“You got this girl!”, I hollered at the screen.

“I’m so proud of you!,” I threw my fists in the air.

“You deserve 10 times more than this!,” I bounced up and down in my pajamas.

At first, it felt ridiculous - I was alone in my apartment wearing pajamas. Even my cat got alarmed by the scene.

But after a while, it felt strangely good.

The hot air in my chest was replaced by openness. My body felt expansive and energized.

After the-moment-on-the-couch, I actively cheer for other women. Not because I’m virtuous or pure. But because it feels good.

And this is important to understand.

Perhaps beneath our insecurity and fear, we are wired to love. To pick each other up when we fall down, and claps our hands when we succeed.

Or like me one afternoon, hollering at each other’s Youtube videos, throwing our fists in the air in wild appreciation of our glorious beauty.

Remember: we are all but beautiful miracles, and together, we can shine our light.

Milena xo

P.S:

Listen to the full conversation between my sister Monta Vilumsome and me below. You’ll get to hear my voice and natural laughter (which is considered scary by many!)

P.P.S: Finding your purpose, finding your tribe

Few things are more powerful than having a community to support you with your purpose.

However, it takes serious soul-searching to get clear on what you’re here to give. That’s why I’ve created a gorgeous 15-page workbook to help you do just that: discover your unique purpose.

Download below!