How to free yourself from imposter syndrome - Milena Nguyen

“I think you’re holding back your opinions in our team meeting, Milena.”

I did not see this feedback coming.

We were in a team-building session on sharing constructive feedback. And what my colleague said completely took me aback.

I snapped, half-laughing to conceal my defensiveness: “I’m not sure if this is the case.”

It’s not that I held back in team meetings! I wanted to make sure what I said was valuable. Okay… sometimes I over thought it too long; the team moved onto the next topic.

But hey, isn’t that what considerate people do?

I was working in The Netherlands among some of the brightest young minds from 20 countries worldwide. Coming from a small developing country like Vietnam, I felt like an underdog.

Of course, my inferior feeling was self-imposed. I was the only person who saw myself that way. But I had no idea back then.

I was deep in the mud of Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter Syndrome is the nagging feeling that you’re not good enough to be where you are. The constant fear that one day you’ll be “found out” and everything will be taken away.

Because you always feel not enough, you try desperately to compensate, even at the cost of your health, happiness, and fulfilment.

Imposter Syndrome is Real : Here're 4 Steps to Deal with It — *“There is a kind of success worse than failure.”*
- Jean Cocteau

During that time, Imposter Syndrome hit me hard. But it had always been with me since I was small, like a shadow.

It took many years to free myself from imposter syndrome.

If you’re wondering whether you have imposter syndrome, here are the telling signs.

15 Signs you have Imposter Syndrome:

1. Pressuring yourself to prove to yourself and others that you’re good enough.

2. Unwilling to ask for and accept help because that’d reveal you don’t have everything together.

3. Terrified of showing work-in-progress due to perfectionism.

4. Hesitant to speak up in a meeting because you’re afraid of looking stupid.

5. Lie or bend the truth to protect a perfect image.

6. Hide part of who you are to fit in and cope with the fear of being judged

7. Strive to perfect every aspect of your life. Never feel content and unable to relax with imperfections.

8. Impatient with yourself. Feel like everything must happen now. Unable to appreciate step by step progress.

9. A pervasive sense of not belonged. May isolate yourself from others.

10. Anxiety about failing and about what others think.

11. Berate yourself over the smallest mistakes.

12. Over-sensitive to constructive criticism.

13. Downplay your ability, skills, and competence.

14. Unable to wholeheartedly receive praise. Cannot internalize own achievements.

15. After years of being in the headlong rush to achieve, no longer know what you truly want, your real feelings or interests.

If you see yourself on this list, you are not alone.

Research shows 7 out of 10 persons experience imposter syndrome at least once in their life.

In my experience, the high-achievers, the hustlers, the people who seem to have “everything figured out”, are most affected by Imposter Syndrome.

What causes imposter syndrome?

One of the biggest causes of imposter syndrome is the underlying limiting belief: “I’m not good enough.”

Because limiting beliefs are unconscious and formed in early childhood, you may not be aware of having it at all.

Suppose you grew up with parents who compared you with other kids. Or parents who rewarded or punished you for your results instead of acknowledging you for your effort. Or parents were never pleased no matter how hard you tried.

You learned from early on that the only way to get love is to achieve. Your self-worth is measured by your achievement.

If you don’t move forward, you fear you’ll be swallowed in a black hole of worthlessness. So you grind your teeth and keep pushing.

But inadequacy is a dangerous fuel. Sooner or later, you’ll burn out or break down.

4 steps to start freeing yourself from imposter syndrome

1. Find the origin

Observe your daily life, find moments when you experience imposter syndrome. For example, that time in a meeting when you felt small and unable to raise your voice.

Notice the sensation you feel in your body. Ask yourself:

“When was the first time I ever felt this way?”

Close your eyes. Let yourself go back to your early childhood. Look for moments between 0 to 7 years old. Which one comes to you?

I remember the origin moment of my imposter syndrome.

I was 6 years old. My mom was bathing me when she asked what grade I had at school. I told her I had 7.

She said:

“Hmm, the neighbor’s daughter got 8. Maybe we would trade you with her.”

It was a joke for my mom, but it wasn’t for me as a child.

Our mind is a meaning making machine. As a child walks away from a situation, she also makes a conclusion about herself, others, and the world.

I walked away from that story and concluded:

“I’m not good enough unless I achieve.”

2. Release the wound

Take a long, easy belly breath. Hold that moment in your heart. Observe it as a third person with your current mature consciousness.

If waves of emotion come up, allow yourself to feel them. Cry if you need to. Keep being aware of your breath throughout this. It is your anchor through emotional waves.

This process is healthy. Childhood wounds are stuck energy in your body. To release them, you must let them pass through you.

Once you fully feel the emotion, you’ll feel lighter, more relieved, even at peace.

3. Give compassion

Come back to that moment, observe the child in that story. Such a small innocent child! See if you can feel genuine compassion from your heart towards her.

Rest here for a moment, to feel that.

Imagine a soft pink or golden aura radiating from your heart, enveloping this child with your compassion and love.

4. Affirm your worth

What does this child need to hear?

Listen to yourself from a very deep place. Whisper to the child what your soul knows she needs to hear.

If the words truly come from your soul, they’ll land in your body like sweet water. Your body will feel open, light, and expansive.

If you find it difficult, try these affirmations:

“You’re enough exactly as you are. There’s nothing to prove. Your worthiness is inherent and infinite. Nothing you can do or be can ever change it. You are loved and lovable, no matter what.”

To affirm your worth even more, write those words down. Say them aloud to yourself in front of the mirror for at least one week. Be as genuine as you can.

It may seem corny, even stupid at first. But I encourage you to try it anyway.

These are the words you were meant to hear. But no one said them to you when you were little. Do it for your inner child.

Always remember: you are enough already.

P.S - “To achieve” isn’t a true life purpose

If you’ve been in the headlong rush to achieve, you may not know what you truly want, your real feelings or interests. You may feel lost, despite your achievements.

It’s crucial now to reconnect with your genuine gifts, values, passion, and purpose. So you can reclaim your inner compass. Success is only real when it’s on your own terms.

That’s why I created this beautiful “Purpose Finder Workbook”. Download below!