What Pregnancy Taught Me about Creating The Life I Want - MILENA NGUYEN

It’s a late Friday night. I’m 3-month pregnant, sitting on the bed in a bundle of sadness and anxiety.

My chest tightens; my breath congests; my heart weighs down; my arms and legs feel a mixture of being frozen in place and wanting to run away.

My partner walked in from the kitchen, a bowl full of fresh orange wedges in his hands. He sat down and handed me the bowl. I picked up a small wedge. Its sweetness fills my mouth. I look into my partner’s eyes. He is smiling quietly; his eyes meet mine.

“I’m not okay,” I said, my voice begins to shake.

“What are you feeling?”

“But it’s very silly,” I replied, feeling embarrassed for getting so emotional.

“Tell me.” He said, placing his right hand on my knee.

I feel a lump in my throat. My breath quickens. Finally, the words escape my mouth in a stream of uncontrollable tears:

“I’m afraid I will be a boring mom!”

The next morning, I wake up feeling much lighter. It’s a real blessing to have someone with whom you can let your raw feelings be seen.

Emotions are energies in motion. Because my emotions could flow instead of being repressed, I now have space to reflect on them with curiosity.

For sure, my pregnancy hormone intensified my feelings. But those intense emotions reveal something much deeper.

A belief. A narrative. A limiting story about motherhood I’ve been unconsciously telling myself. Because that’s the story I grew up with.

As my granddad fought the Vietnam War, grandma single-handedly raised 5 children. Her entire life was about caring for her children and, later, her grandchildren. I admire her devotion.

Still, when I see her, I can’t help but wonder if she isn’t her role to others, if she isn’t “grandma” or “mom,” who is this woman sitting in front of me?

What is her dream? What does her heart desire? What makes her come alive?

What is a piece of the Universe that she calls her own?

I don’t know the answers.

And I think neither, does she.

When my brother and I were born, the war had long ended. But my father wasn’t emotionally available to my mom, to us, or himself. Mother is a strong woman with a career and an education. She is a doctor, a Ph.D., and the director of a private clinic. To have that and 2 children, what she gave up was rest.

My mom is the most restless and anxious woman I know. Her sense of self and happiness is so dependent on her children that her over-caring, protectiveness, and controlling drove me away. I had to be far from my mom to have enough space to love her.

Your belief system is formed by what you see, hear, and experience when we were little. That’s why psychologists call early childhood the “formative years.”

A newborn’s brain contains all the neurons she’ll ever need but the connection between them haven’t been formed.

In the following years, more than 1 thousand trillions neuron connections are made (Yes, that’s 16 zeros!) essentially creating our default worldview - our belief, the story we tell ourselves about how the world works and how we’re meant to function in it.

(*Side note: I’m using the word “belief” and “story” interchangeably.)

Watching my grandmom and mom growing up, my story about motherhood was:

“To be a mother means to sacrifice my dreams and myself.”

That story had always been inside me. My pregnancy brought it to the surface, together with a cascade of emotional debris: anxiety, worry, fear, depression.

A limiting belief doesn’t exist in your mind in English (or in any other languages). In most cases, you don’t know you have that belief and never put it into words. But you cannot work with what you do not see. That’s why using clear words to tangibilize a limiting belief is a crucial step.

I’m a coach, so helping my clients to do so is my professional work.

Still, it took months before I could put that limiting motherhood story into words.

Once I did that, I could look at the story, question it, and decide whether that’s the story I want to live.

A limiting story leads to a limiting life.

A liberating story leads to a liberating life.

The story you choose is the story you live.

I looked at the sentence, written in black ink on my notebook:

“To be a mother means to sacrifice my dreams and myself.”

As a feminist, I know at an intellectual level that this isn’t true.

But it doesn’t matter what you know in your head to be true. If you don’t do the inner work it takes to shift a limiting story at a deep level, the story always ends up running your life.

Like how the base of the iceberg is what carries the top and decide its direction. Not the other way around.

This inner work could be done through observing situations where the limiting belief manifests into limiting emotions and actions. (Like that crying evening for me.) Not to judge yourself for it, but to create space between you and the belief.

The act of observing creates a felt realization that you and the belief are not fused but separate. This step is fundamental.

The next step is to make a conscious choice.

That morning, next to the belief I wrote down in my notebook, I wrote a question:

“What is a truer, more liberating story I can tell about being a mother?”

I took a long belly breath, centered myself, and listened deeply to my soul, accessing my intuitive wisdom.

I lingered there for a while. Then my hand started moving as I saw these words flowing from my fountain pen:

“To be a mother means to rise up for my dream, for myself, and for my baby. Motherhood initiates a journey for my soul to evolve. Motherhood opens the door for me to heal and become whole.”

When I read it back to myself, these words landed in my body like sweet water on a patch of cracked soil - nourishing, caressing, freeing.

The Buddha taught:

“You can always tell if a body of water is the ocean. Because the ocean always tastes of salt. You can always tell if a thought is the truth. Because the truth always tastes of freedom.”

I know this is the story I choose.

Choosing a new liberating story, I’m able to envision a different possibility - a possibility that perhaps didn’t exist for my mother and grandmother.

As I’m writing these words, my pregnancy has almost reached its completion. Tomorrow is the estimated birthing day of my daughter. I’m sitting on my birth ball at the kitchen table, next to a cup of herbal tea.

The last 9 months have taught me about my creative potentials, about the wisdom of my female body, about asking for help, about the power of rest, about surrendering and having faith.

Becoming a mother has expanded me as a human being. And I’m excited about the journey ahead. Knowing that the liberating story I’ve chosen is the thread that’ll weave together the fabric of my experience.

You may be a mama-to-be, or you’re going through a significant change in life. Having a new job, starting a new role, moving to a new country, or founding a business - the emotional debris you experience through this transition signals limiting beliefs.

I invite you to look deeper, let go of the old belief, and choose a new liberating one.

Here are the steps:

Step 1. notice the situation

Notice situations (related to the change you’re going through) where you experience intense and irrational emotions. Can you name the emotions? (Anxiety, sadness, fear, anger, etc.)

Step 2. feel the emotion

If you have repressed this feeling, it needs to be felt first. Sit down and stop distracting yourself with your gadget. The emotion will slowly come to the surface. Release any judgment you have towards the emotion or towards yourself for having it. Say to yourself: “I give myself permission to feel how I feel right now.” Cry on the floor, punch a pillow, beat the wall with a hand towel, throw a tantrum. Do whatever you need to feel the emotion fully. That’s the only way for it to pass through you instead of getting stuck in you.

Step 3. find the belief

After the wave of emotion has passed, you now have space to observe it with curiosity and compassion. Close your eyes, tune inward, take a long belly breath, and ask yourself, “What is the thought at the core of this emotion?” Trust your intuition for the answer. Write down what you find in one simple sentence.

Step 4. make a choice

Look at the sentence now written in black and white on the page. This is the default story that was programmed in you when you were little. You never consciously chose this story. You did not come to this world with this story. (No baby comes out of their mother’s womb saying things like: “I’m not enough.”) This is not how the Universe made you. Now you have a choice: A) To stay with this story and let it continue to dictate your life. Or B) To choose a truer, more liberating story. What is your choice?

Step 5. write a new story

Ask yourself: “What is a truer, more liberating story I can choose?” Center yourself, connect with your soul, listen to your inner wisdom. Write down the new liberating story.

Step 6. plant the new belief

In the following weeks, say this new liberating belief to yourself once in the morning and once at night in front of a mirror. Write it down on post-it notes and stick it on your mirrors, so you see it often. Save it as a phone or laptop background.

The last step may seem corny, and you may feel awkward. That’s normal, you’ve told yourself the old story for all your life! Of course, this new one can feel unfamiliar.

Relax through the resistance and do it anyway. Let this new belief land in your body like healthy seeds on the fertile soil of your mind. You get what you sow. Sow good seeds, and your life will blossom into a bountiful harvest.

In a way, we’re all mothers, birthing new things into being. A baby, a book, a relationship, a career, a movement, a livelihood, or a family.

May our creations be made not by default but by choice, not from fear, but from love.

With all my love,